Including the one inside me

Creative — Carole Olsen asks what kind of doormat we are.

This is what happens, Editor—Extraordinaire Adrienne Beaumont and master—commenter Rodrigo S-C, when you disrespect observant days. Today is National Mule Day, and I have a very funny mule joke. But nooo, I can’t give the readers of my favorite publication a Steve Martin-worthy chuckle because of this conspiracy to raise the prompt standards.

By the way, it’s also National Chicken Fried Steak Day. I’m guessing the two of you, with your hoity-toity principles, disdain this dish enjoyed at diners around America. Cooks, not chefs, serve it with instant mashed potatoes and lots of gravy to hide the mystery meat underneath. I also have a very funny Chicken-Fried Steak joke that includes imported beef from Russia, but I’ll keep it to myself.

Usually on Mondays, my favorite diner will follow up its steak-for-the-common-man special with a slice of MinceMeat Pie, bought the same day at Walmart.

Which reminds me, yesterday, I had the cyst that had erupted on my butt on Saturday, as I contemplated Carole’s prompt, removed just so I could sit on my designated diner stool, the one with carpenter’s tape with my name penciled in. My doctor said that at my age, these blisters are often stress-related. Was I worried about something? She would have told me the latest abscess joke making the rounds at the clinic, but said she didn’t want me laughing too hard while she had a sharp object on my rear end.

Coincidentally, you’ll be delighted to know it’s also National Mince Meat Pie Day. This was my mother’s favorite dessert, and I have a very funny mother-and-son Oedipus joke I usually tell on May 6, National Freud Day. Instead, I’ll jot it down on a pink Post-it note and attach it to her tombstone.

So I’m sorry, Carole; you are one of my favorite writers. I wish I had a doormat story because I have a very funny doormat joke. However, I don’t even have a dormant tale yet, but I am working on a very funny…

__________________________________________________________________________________