A LESSON IN HOW TO AGE WELL

“Paul John, you need to be told things three times before they really sink in.” My mother always called me ‘Paul John’ when she was mad at me. And me not listening really irritated her. Otherwise, I was Paul. That name, Paul John, and the tone of her voice when using that name, is still inside me. Ready to pounce. Like it did, yesterday.

NO GIFT NO GIFT NO GIFT

A couple of weeks ago two friends gave us a gift. It is a gift that can be given over and over and this was the second time we had received this present. Years ago they had made clear to me they wanted no thank you gift in return. Our enjoyment of their generosity was “gift enough.” I never told Rebecca about their request and so for the second time we purchased modest thank you gifts. Our friends graciously accepted these but repeated, for the third time, that our enjoyment of their gift was gift-enough.

No gift, no gift, no gift! “OK, I got it.” Just behind our friends’ warm but firm third-time-no-gift note was my mother’s ‘Paul John-voice.’ Two voices, my mother’s and my friends’, past and present. One speaking to the child inside me and one to the adult. The child is ageless. The adult is 71.

AGING WELL

I have been reading a terrific book on aging, Ageless Soul, by Thomas Moore. Aging, writes Moore, is

“An activity. It is something you do, not something that happens. When you age – active verb – you are proactive. If you really age, you become a better person. If you simply grow old, passively, you get worse. Chances are, you will be unhappy as you continue the fruitless fight against time.”

I’ll bet more than a few of you have your own ‘gift stories,’ stories about repeating mistakes. What do these stories have to do with aging well? Moore says aging is an activity. And conscious action is better than unconscious action. In words that are directed at all of us, regardless of age, Moore says

There is an unconsciousness in people that is itself unconscious. We don’t realize that we are unconscious about things that really matter.

‘Paul John’ didn’t care much that people had to say things three times to him, occasionally having to use the Churchill approach. Unconscious of the effect of this on others is a nice way of putting it. But 71 year old ‘Paul’ does care. More important, he wants to know how to age well, to become a better person.

REFLECTION AND TRANSFORMATION

Deep reflection on what life throws at us, suggests Moore, is the key element in aging well. Reflection means to “bend back,” to see and to probe what has happened. Reflection, ironically, is the primary ingredient in an active approach to aging. Ironic because it is more about being than doing.

My friends gentle but firm ‘no gift’ reminder is something life threw at me yesterday. This blog entry, together with the memories, thinking, and feeling that accompanied it, is the container that holds this bending back process in a form that helps set me on a path of transformation.

Aging well does not need to start at 71. Any age will do, ought to do. Moore says to think of the process as made up of leaps forward and plateaus, instead of a continuous upward movement. The leaps forward come from life experiences that are then reflected upon and made apart of oneself.

Openness to life, awareness of what is happening, and a willingness to go deep, are the answers to how to age well.