Yesterday was one of those ‘do-over’ days, as in ‘I wish I could do it over.’ Rebecca and I were at Decorah’s outdoor Farmer’s Market, masked, following the posted rules.

“Maintain proper physical distancing of 6 feet. Wear a face mask or shield. Face masks will be available by donation, thanks to the Seamster’s Union of Winneshiek County.

At one of the market stalls, we purchased a loaf of bread and as I turned to leave I saw a man not wearing a mask, just a few feet away. Without enough thought, I walked through the swinging doors of the saloon, untied and mounted my horse, rode back to the offender, the breaker of rules, and said, in a stern but not unfriendly voice, as if reading from the posted notice, ‘you are supposed to wear a mask.’ He looked at me and said, ‘I will try to find a mask.’ I rode away, self-satisfied, for about 10 seconds. And then…I remembered another market rule.

Send only 1 person per household to shop when possible.

That mask-less guy, that rule-breaker, was not the only culprit. Rebecca and I are a household! It surely was possible for one of us to carry the loaf of bread and the little bit of vegetables we had purchased.

As I think back over this incident, what bothers me the most is how quickly I got on that damn high horse. How, WITHOUT MUCH THOUGHT, I turned into a JUDGE. And how my shaming turned into feeling ashamed.

I do not like myself when I get on a high horse, become a judge, and shame another. Even when I am right, even if we had not also broken the rules. How do I manage my tendency, WITHOUT MUCH THOUGHT, to get on that horse, become that judge, and shame another?

It is a problem of managing one’s feelings, before they occur. How to do that? WITHOUT MUCH THOUGHT is the clue. How does one slow down one’s thinking when in the thrall of feelings? The mask-less man irritated me.

My inability to manage the feeling of irritation led me to shame him, a strategy that never works because no one, not you, and certainly not me, ever changes their behavior as a result of being shamed. In fact, my shaming probably sent him in the opposite direction. Not only did my words make me feel ashamed, they probably resulted in the opposite of my intention. How stupid is that? So to be less stupid, I now carry a 3″ by 5″ index card with three phrases: thorny crowns, troubles or worries, & useless.

THORNY CROWNS: The phrase thorny crowns comes from a line in a stanza from my favorite Bob Dylan song In the still of the night.

We eat and we drink, we feel and we think

Far down the street we stray

I laugh and I cry and I’m haunted by

Things I never meant nor wished to say

The midnight rain follows the train

We all wear the same thorny crown

Soul to soul, our shadows roll

And I’ll be with you when the deal goes down

I love how Dylan puts it, “we all wear the same thorny crown.” We all carry pain, even the mask-less man. Unless I absolutely have to, why would I say something or act in some way that adds to another’s pain?

TROUBLES OR WORRIES: In A Very Naikan Thanksgiving I wrote about a Japanese self-reflection discipline that I learned about several years ago. The Naikan approach describes three questions one should reflect upon each day: 1. What gifts have I received from others?, 2. What gifts have I given to others?, & 3. What troubles or worries have I caused others? I have always found question 3 the most helpful and yesterday’s mask incident reminds me what happens when I neglect my Naikan reflection work.

USELESS: Einstein is reported to have said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I know shaming has never changed my mind, if anything it roots me deeper in whatever it is I am being shamed for, so why would I think it could work to change another person’s behavior or opinion. It is a useless strategy, worse than a waste of time.

The key to managing unruly emotions is to give more thought before one acts. Observe any excellent performer, in sport, in art, in any human endeavor. They have learned to slow things down. My index card forces my brain to slow down, so that I GIVE MORE THOUGHT, before acting.

TRY IT and let me know how or whether it works for you.