The complicated stages of grieving over the re-election of Donald Trump

This story was published in Medium’s Entertain, Enlighten, Empower. Everyone’s grieving is unique; not all are sad about this outcome. This is my story.

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I loved our NOPE sign and was convinced it spoke the TRUTH.

It sat on our lawn for three months. Every day, I thought, It won’t happen again. America, my country, with all its tragic flaws, was better than him. Over his first term, it saw the self-aggrandizement, the deadly politicization of the COVID-19 vaccine, and THIS, January 6, 2021.

After the unexpected happened, I kept NOPE up for a day because I couldn’t accept that millions of Americans, including family and friends, voted for a convicted felon, adjudicated rapist, and someone who had incited this mob on January 6th. Nope became

DENIAL

Then, on America’s Thanksgiving Day last Thursday, I received a series of texts from a group of friends. Two texts referred to what a great year it had been and what a great country America is, followed with “Praise the Lord.”

There was no need to read between the lines.

Without a thought, I felt a familiar friend that hadn’t gone away: ANGER.

The vitriol toward my Praise the Lord friends surprised me because I thought I had moved through anger and denial. But feelings are never simple.

The categories of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — are labels that name feelings. They help us anticipate what we will likely experience when something terrible happens. However, feelings have a mind of their own. They don’t know they’re supposed to be bit players in our drama. They move off stage, like my anger, and then burst back when triggered.

Now, I need to say something that’s probably obvious to you. The other side feels grief, too. The Praise the Lord crowd, I suspect, would not have their hands raised in adoration if Kamala Harris had won. Perhaps their Thanksgiving greeting might have nixed the Great Country stuff.

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Ye gads! I might have sent the same message if our side had won, but not Praise the Lord, as it doesn’t sound Catholic. But — Great Country — if two of our last four presidents were named Barack and Kamala, you bet.

Might I, too, have rubbed it on Turkey Day? Is the Pope Catholic? Of course, many American Catholics who supported Donald Trump think Pope Francis isn’t Catholic enough. And are probably okay with Praise the Lord.

You see what’s happening, don’t you? Even as I construct this story, I’m transitioning to BARGAINING.

And losing my anger. Dammit!

I’ve become distracted. Once I lifted my head from my biases — dressed up as judgment and truth — I saw the other side. I still believe they’re wrong in a way that may be disastrous for America and the world. And that my side is right. But the Praise the Lord crowd is part of the 76 million, nearly half the electorate, that voted against my side.

So, who or what am I bargaining with that dilutes my anger?

God?

I don’t believe in that kind of God, the type that can be lobbied to favor my candidate, my country, or my tribe. If there is a Creator behind all this worldwide diversity, why would it single out a favorite that also happens to be MY choice? Or YOURS?

No, I’m bargaining with Democracy or, more precisely, my vision of Democracy. How do 330 million people with different self-interests live together peacefully? Respecting differences within a system of regular elections where losers can win next time.

I know what many of you are thinking. That’s the very thing the election was about. One of my other yard signs read, “Save Democracy, Vote Blue.” We believe the other side is following a leader who refused to play by Democratic rules, as in the insurrection of January 6.

As I type, ANGER is shouldering aside BARGAINING in the same way Trump bullied past the Prime Minister of Montenegro for center stage at a NATO meeting in 2017. (source)

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Mr Trump will become the 47th President of the United States. I can’t deny or bargain away my anger at this fact.

It will be a constant companion, as will DEPRESSION. I am not speaking of depression here as a diagnosable mental condition but as a lowering of mood as a result of external conditions. From my perspective, it is a rational response. He will do and say things I despise. His need to be center stage means I can’t escape him. Plus, he’s the kind of human who thrives on making enemies. There’s something about this moment in history that rewards politicians like him.

I feel down for a day or two when my favorite team loses. What if my team lost every day or almost every day? How would I cope? A few days ago, I ordered Jimmy Breslin’s Can’t Anybody Here Play This Game?, a book about the 1962 Mets who lost 120 games. I’ve wanted to read this book for years.

Misery does love company.

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In The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt argued that it makes evolutionary sense for humans to adapt even to the worst events. He calls this habituation, which in grief language is ACCEPTANCE.

What does it mean to accept something? Acknowledging the fact of it, as in, my mother is dead. Or Trump did win the election.

Donald Trump’s utter incapacity to grieve helps explain his personality. It is both a cunning power and a vulnerability, as he will keep the 74 million of us in the opposition angry for four years.

However, each successive day since November 6 weighs less heavily on my shoulders. I can see it in the mirror. That’s what I mean by the title. I’ve gotten distance from denial and anger, especially.

What’s helped is, I believe, a form of bargaining. It comes partly from my former profession. I taught Politics to college students for 40 years. I want to know where Trump came from and why he won again. This distances the fact of who he is and his MAGA movement from my emotions.

However, there are still too many days when I want to