Rebecca and I have been dreaming a lot the last few weeks. Anxiety dreams of all sorts apparently brought on by COVIT – 19 and its ripple effects. Every morning I ask Rebecca about her dreams and she gives me the details. If you were to observe this interaction, you would see Rebecca talking and me listening. You might even give me a ‘good listener’ point or two because I am making eye contact, giving positive cues such as nodding my head or muttering something like ‘uh huh’ or ‘yes,’ and even occasionally asking a question. To you, the observer, I am nothing like the kid in the comic strip who can’t wait to turn the conversation to what he wants to talk about.
Except that I am that kid, all the time. I just hide it very, very well. My mind is constantly urging me to turn the conversation toward what I know, what I feel, and what I want. When I observe me, when I look at me, I see nothing but selfishness or self interest. One of America’s Founders, James Madison, knew this characteristic of human beings well, and it formed the foundation for how he theorized about the structure of American government and especially the need for separating powers. He put it this way in Federalist 51.
If men were angels, no government would be necessary…in framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself.
By separating powers horizontally into three branches, executive, legislative and judicial, and vertically, into national and state governments, Madison and the other Founders used the human “me-tendency” to do the work of limiting the possibility of a tyrannical government.
But what about the tyrannical me? In every conversation I have, I see the little boy who wants his way. I am reminded of my selfishness. This observation, made over and over gain, allows me to anticipate. I have come to know what is coming and in knowing and accepting and not judging I am able to counter this selfish tendency by reminding myself to focus outward, outside myself, toward my conversational partner. Yes, I fail at this much of the time. But there is always the next conversation to try again.
Madison understood human nature and used that understanding to craft a governmental structure that has worked well for over 200 years. For you and me, learning to observe ourselves gives us insight into how well we handle everyday things like conversations. With observation we gain understanding and with understanding the possibility for change.
The next conversation you have, put your face on that fly on the wall and observe your words, gestures and thoughts. And then ask – is that person a conversational narcissist? The rest will take care of itself.
Brett and Kate McKay have written a terrific little article, “The Art of Conversation: How to Avoid Conversational Narcissism,” that contains lots of insights and techniques.
Reader Comments
Good read. Being in isolation for some time in my flat in Norway, I keep looking at the spider on the wall and wondering, just what is it thinking…
The creative mind is always there, observing, asking questions, listening, learning. It is a disease you are left with after higher education and being a Professor for most of your adult life.
Stay well, Paul.
Not sure about the higher education and the professor point Jack. Seems just as much self-focus in higher education as I imagine in other professions. Critical thinking, yes, but often in the service of self interest. Thanks for your comment and stay isolated. Paul
I really liked this post. One of the “silver linings” of this chaotic and sad time is the opportunity to really explore self awareness and question one’s own reactions to a myriad of issues we usually only live through.
Thank you Cheri; you are right about silver linings, as in during this time we “get to” as opposed to “have to.”
Yes I do agree with you on the self-focus for many professors I have worked with but not all. Perhaps those professors didn’t know their overall obligations as well as they needed to. At Luther we were asked to be more than good teachers, at least that’s how I looked at it. being the devil’s advocate, without a fair amount of self-interest we would have never become professors in the first place. The difficulty is in the balance. Critical thinking within the realm of your profession is one thing but creative thinking is not quite the same. Creative thinking takes you to where you have not been and challenges your comfort zone. For me, the two concepts, creative and critical thinking, go hand in hand and apply to every aspect of our lives. Its how we move on and keep learning and it certainly helps us learn more in unusual ways. I learned that concept as a teenager some years after an accident, which should have taken my life. It left me with untold physical and mental damage. that rearranged much of my teenage values. I near-death experience can do that for you. And, I have never forgotten how that experience shaped my philosophy throughout my years.
Norway is starting to open up as new cases of C-19 virus have been minimized. Norway has been very smart about their approach. There was a good article I posted on FB a day or two ago regarding Sweeden’s approach vs three other Scandinavian countries including Norway. It boasts recent stats and is quite interesting. Jack
Creative thinking, that is an idea I want to sort through. It seems like something that changes the way we see the world, gives us a different perspective, another way of thinking or feeling or acting. For you it was an accident, for me, in at least one area of my life, it was a cognitive insight, a wrong way of thinking that was reoriented. Thanks Jack.
Most people put lip service to Creative thinking. Whether you look at it as simply the action of an inquisitive mind or a reaction to something visual unfolding before you or both, few people actually incorporate it into a lifestyle that shapes their existence. I remember reading at a faculty meeting many years ago, “Our heads are round so that our thinking can change direction.” There is more truth in that than meets the eye when it comes to a creative and inquisitive mind. Cheers Jack.