And other frustrations life throws at us.
In this blog, I will tell you two stories and describe how stoicism has helped me manage life’s frustrations. I believe it can help you, and Ginger.
GINGER”S STORY
“I alternated between feeling angry, sad, and numb during the experience, and also felt trapped, because this was a potential identity theft issue and I felt powerless to get it resolved.” These are the words of my friend Ginger who was put on hold three different times over two days for a total of about two hours. Thankfully, the matter was eventually resolved but, says Ginger, “it took an emotional toll on me.”
“Please be advised that we are experiencing higher than normal calls. We apologize for the delay.” Who among us has not heard a version of this from some company that has taken our money for some service that is not, well, working out too well.
We all have frustration stories that arise from “unresolved problems.” My frustration story started with a letter I received eight years ago from from America’s Internal Revenue Service.
PAUL’S STORY
It was an innocent enough looking envelop, not thick, that contained one page. As I started to read, my eyes locked into the number, 25,000, and the words “you owe $25,000.” “How could this be,” I thought? Almost in a trance, I found my recent tax returns, and stomped out to the car, with one thought, “to go see my H & R Block & Bank of the West advisers ” a few blocks west on Decorah’s Water Street.
Backing out of the garage, I paid no attention to whether there was a car traveling down Williams Avenue. Fortunately, there wasn’t and so I proceeded half a block to Water Street. Stopping briefly, I lurched the car into the street narrowly missing cars in each lane. I remember the image of Charlton Heston playing Moses in the Ten Commandments parting the Red Sea. I was Heston/Moses traveling down Water Street with cars and people parting to let me get to my destination.
My Bank of the West adviser spotted a two decimal mistake in the tax audit of savings we had used to pay for our son’s college education. H & R Block sent this information to the IRS and settled the matter. However, my trance-like response to this frustration bothered me. From the moment I left the house that day, especially while I was in my car, a 3000 pound lethal weapon, there was no separation between my anxiety and me. I thought “there has got to be a better way to manage the frustrations of life.”
STOICISM AS A SOLUTION TO LIFE’S FRUSTRATIONS
The Stoic philosopher, according to Marcus Aurelius, practices to “become an athlete in the greatest of all contests – the struggle not to be overwhelmed by anything that happens.” The IRS letter had overwhelmed me. Surely, worse things will happen. How will I handle them? Three insights from Stoicism have helped me manage frustrations. I believe they can also help Ginger and you.
Learn to recognize one’s automatic thoughts
When things happen, most of us immediately begin to tell ourselves stories about what has happened. The first story I told myself as I read the IRS letter was “how can this be happening to me?” With that thought came an emotional surge, that sent me out the door, into the car, and my Moses-inspired trance. Through practice I have learned to judge those thoughts with the intent of separating myself from what Stoics call “faulty judgments” and “irrational impulses.”
How do I do this? Three mental devices work for me. First, whenever something frustrating occurs, I pause knowing the first thoughts and feelings may not be helpful. Second, I imagine there is a part of me doing the ‘pause’ and observing my thoughts and emotions. Three, I recall the IRS/car/Moses incident from this observer point of view that tells me the place I do not want to be. These three devices work to give me the distance to decide what to do next and make it less likely I will make a “faulty judgment” or act on an “irrational impulse.” In my mind I replace Charlton Heston’s Moses with Ben Kingsley’s Ghandi.
Learn to distinguish between events we can and cannot control
Ginger had to talk with someone from her insurance company; she had to dry her clothes. The IRS’ $25,000 decision, mistaken or not, was beyond my control until I reasoned, not emoted, a solution. The Serenity Prayer is a popularized version of learning to distinguish events we can and events we cannot control.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Any day now I will hear about whether my application for another Fulbright award to teach in Romania fall 2021 has made it over the first hurdle. I remind myself daily this decision is beyond my control. These reminders do not immunize me from the disappointment or sadness that will come with a no. These are normal negative feelings and stoicism is no antidote against them. However, reflecting on how I did the best job I could regarding the application helps me at the same time accept that the decision at this point is outside my control.
Learn to anticipate the worst.
Two years before I received the $25,000 IRA letter, I took out a $75,000 line of credit to pay for an addition to my house. Three years before I paid cash for a new car. What’s the point? I am solidly in the American middle class and learned to save from my parents. Concurrent with the “faulty reasoning” and “irrational impulses” after the first reading of the IRA letter was a feeling of panic prompted by the thought “I do not have $25,000.” Could I borrow the $25,000 if necessary? Of course, just as I had borrowed $75,000.
The stoic way encourages us to “mentally rehearse in the face of anticipated adversity.” This means what life throws at us will never surprise us. When Ginger told me about her hold adventures, I gently suggested the next time she called her insurance company she mentally prepare by assuming the worst, an hour or more on hold, put her phone on speaker, and do something else. Yesterday, to prepare for the email from Fulbright that will come any day, I wrote down in my journal the words “We regret to inform you…” And imagined the experience of reading those lines. Interestingly, and as I played out the scenario of not getting the Fulbright, my mind naturally sought out the advantages of that bad news, pointing me to other paths.
The ultimate goal of stoicism, according to Robertson, is to develop a high frustration tolerance, “an ability to accept the fact when things do not go as we desired.” Many mistakenly believe stoicism makes people passive or indifferent to what goes wrong in life. That is not my experience. Stoicism helps me manage my reactions to what goes wrong. Sometimes that leads me to ask what can I do better to reduce the likelihood of this bad outcome. Other times it directs me to accept what I cannot change.
Ironically, stoicism helps me feel more in control of myself, even as it teaches that I have little control over so much that happens. Control what I can and let the rest go.
*I have taken the material on stoicism, including quotes, from Donald Robertson’s The philosophy of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Stoic Philosophy as rational and cognitive psychotherapy. An easier and cheaper read is Robertson’s Stoicism and the Art of Happiness: Practical Wisdom for Everyday life. Years ago the writings of James Stockdale introduced me to stoicism. Most memorable is Courage Under Fire, about his experience as a prisoner of war in Vietnam and how stoicism helped him survive.
