My anxiety had morphed from a prison guard into a companion

Have you ever resisted a thought, feeling or urge?

It’s a fool’s game we cannot win.

Two weeks ago I was sitting in the backseat of a Piper Archer single engine airplane as our pilot Aviv taxied to the runway at the Beverly, Massachusetts Regional Airport.

Aviv is my partner Rebecca’s son-in-law and an excellent pilot. The day was perfect for an afternoon round trip to the Sanford Seacoast Airport in Maine along the Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Maine coasts.

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Beverly to Sanford

Belted in, I

Thought: This plane will crash and I see body parts and scattered wreckage.

Felt: Tense & nauseous from tightened stomach muscles.

Had the urge: to Unbuckle my seat belt, grip the door handle, and get out.

Thought, feeling, urge: bang, bang, bang. Maybe my stomach tightened and then I thought and saw a crash image. Or the urge to escape preceded both. No matter.

All three descended instantaneously and unbidden, the moment before we ascended.

As Aviv guided us to 2000 feet, I grabbed with my left hand the pocket of the pilot’s seat. When the plane tilted left, I leaned right.

As the plane leveled, Aviv took this picture. I won’t tell you what I thought as our pilot was snapping, yakking and flapping. I put on my Eddie Haskell smile.

My left hand grasped the slivered pocket as if it was Linus’ security blanket.

I saw none of the coast from Beverly to Sanford. I did not join Rebecca and Aviv’s chit chat.

I was consumed and controlled by anxiety. The image by Bhargov Buragohaim that begins this essay represented my experience on that Saturday’s first leg.

But I was not helpless. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with OCD, an anxiety disorder. I will write about my OCD in a future blog. For now, I want to share insights from my journey of recovery that might help you, whether you suffer from anxiety or are occasionally anxious.

After Aviv’s gentle touch down in Sanford, we had 30 minutes to enjoy and appreciate the earth. The picture below, with another security blanket in my left hand, was taken after I had reminded myself that I control my reaction to anxiety.

I wanted to enjoy the return view from 3000 feet. Yes, that right, our compassionate pilot told us another 1000 feet would smooth out the ride. Yikes, but…Higher-up means a better view, right.

And I wanted to be a better companion to Rebecca and Aviv.

Sanford to Beverly

Here is what Recovered-Paul said to Anxious-Paul, as we hung around the Southern Maine Aviation Airport.

You grew up thinking you could control what you thought and felt. This was a cognitive mistake. 1000s of thoughts move through us everyday. Feelings come and go, often without rhyme or reason. Remember: Our thoughts and feelings are outside our conscious control.

For much of your adult life, you let thoughts and feelings bully you. Remember in 2009 when you walked along the cliff in Northern Ireland and had the thought “I could jump off.” You stayed away from cliffs the remainder of that trip. Not easy as you were the leader of the group. And you ruminated about what that thought might mean, even though you had no genuine suicidal symptoms. Remember: Our thoughts and feelings are unruly and we should not take them literally.

On the flight over, you did three things that anxiety loves because it craves attention. You gripped the seat pocket, looked down at the floor, and neglected Aviv and Rebecca. These were compulsions you engaged to lessen anxiety. Your security blankets. They worked but with a cost. You missed the visual and social experiences. Remember: If in control, anxiety chips away at your life.

Compulsions never work in the long run. They keep you attached to anxiety and detached from the world. One of your OCD symptoms was checking whether the stove top burners were turned off. Today, you check once, maybe twice instead of 30 times. You retrained your brain by refusing to give in to the compulsion to check.

The exposure and acceptance of the anxiety that came from not checking was not easy but ultimately successful. Paul, on the second leg, don’t hold the seat pocket, look out the windows, and chat with Rebecca and Aviv. Accept the anxiety. Remember: You’ve learned to train your brain to ignore the noise of your thoughts, feelings and urges.

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I like Recovered-Paul more than Anxious-Paul. He’s more alive. And less afraid. No, that’s not right. Recovered-Paul is still anxious and afraid. Including ascending to 3000 feet. And that steep left turn to line-up the Piper with the Beverly runway.

The radio squawked about another plane ahead. Aviv looked, Rebecca scanned, and Paul spotted.

My anxiety had morphed from a prison guard into a companion.